Are Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto the New Rob Pattinsons?

What's your official nickname for Zachary Quinto and Chris Pine as a hottie tag team? And will they give R.Pattz a run for his money in the screaming-fan dept?
—A.O.

I shall name them Z-Pine, may they live long and prosper in a hotness so extreme it's—I'm gonna say it! I'm gonna say it!—ILLOGICAL. I so said that just now.

Now that I've established all that, your answer is no. The Star Trek heartthrobs—alone or as a combo, with or without a nickname—do not have the same heat as R.Pattz.

Sorry. And it's not just my opinion. My conclusion comes after solid reporting and mercenary research with real live psychologists. Exactly why Robert Pattinson will remain supreme among fanggirls is due to a specific formula that Z-Pine—impressive eyebrows aside—simply lacks.

Lemme break it down for you:

1. Unlike Z-Pine, who look like real grownups who have real sex, R.Pattz—thanks in part to a role as a perpetual teenage vampire—comes off like a kid. A nonsexually threatening kid.

"Like a boy-band member," says Cooper Lawrence, author of The Cult of Celebrity. "[He's] so nonthreatening that it helps girls feel like it's OK to obsess."

2. Edward Cullen. Z-Pine is nice, but Z-Pine never played Edward Cullen. That's a problem.

"He's the personification of this literary character that girls were already obsessed with," says Lawrence. "So they transfer that obsession to him. Nobody went nuts for Pattinson previously."

Neither Kirk nor Spock, in case you haven't noticed, is Edward Cullen.

3. Seriously, did I mention Edward Cullen? "The passion that Edward and Bella share is intense," Lawrence explains. "Like that all-consuming, trite, cliché, teen-girl love where everything is so emotional and so dramatic that they would die without each other."

4. That's about it.

Compare that with Z-Pine, who doubtless enjoy some amount of long-distance passion from geekettes—but not the masses of fainting tweens who have grown obsessed with Twilight.

To catch up with R.Pattz, Z-Pine would need a teen passion franchise of their own. As soon as Z-Pine appears on Team Werewolf, come back to me, and we'll reassess.

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